Why Me?

By...Erik Schuman

Last year when I went thru my “Nightmare Journey From Hell” the one thing I never did was ask, “Why Me?”

I never asked why I was afflicted with this awful disease. I never did that because during the entire duration the one thing I always said was as bad as it was for me there were others who had it far worse and on an everyday basis. And for most, every day for the rest of their life. My nephew is a Type 1 Diabetic. He has been since 18-months-old and unless they come up with a cure, he will have this until the day he dies. Hopefully, that means he has this for at least 80 years (He is 22 now – will be 23 at Xmas time). How many brave men and women volunteer for the armed forces and come home with less than two arms, legs, eyes, kidneys, or anything else? And they will also be that way until the day they die. So for me to complain about having Cancer, when I knew if all went well I would get rid of it and live the rest of my life Cancer Free is something that never made me ask, “Why Me.”

On Monday, June 24 instead of asking, “Why Me?” I instead just asked, “Why?” It was on this day last year I checked into Hoag Hospital for the fifth of my six chemo visits.  On my visits I would arrive around 10 am, get checked in downstairs then make the long walk to the elevators head up to the 8West Nurse’s Station and be told what room I was in. Because I brought donuts I always got the best room available (Let that be a lesson to those of you who have multiple hospital visits in your future – the nurses have a big say in who gets what room and the better you treat them and the more food and goodies you bring the better your room will be). When I checked in I did not get my first bag of chemo until around 12 hours later so I took advantage of it and enjoyed my stay knowing once chemo started my visit would be pure hell until I went home and then it would take another 3-5 days at home before all of the chemo flushed out of my body.

Every so often I would visit Facebook. I would see what was posted and also post updates for all of the amazing support staff of well-wishers I had. I did so on Wednesday June 26 and saw a post from long-time neighbor, friend and fellow FVHS classmate Gregory Trigo. His posts are almost always fun and enjoyable to read. If you check his page, he is always posting pix take with some Hollywood big shot. He posts their names but for 99% of them we know who they are, anyway. This one was not a fun post. He posted something on June 24 saying (and even one year later just typing this is painful and brings me to tears) Kelly Duncan had passed away. He posted it on Monday June 24, but Kelly actually died on June 23 which is why this is being posted today. Her passing left her husband of almost 20 years, Andrew, a widower. It robbed her son, Duncan, of the incredible woman who helped bring him into the world as well as the tender moment that always happens at weddings when they have the Mother-Son dance.

My first three hospital visits were scary. I was fighting off cancer. My last three visits were not since I was diagnosed as being Cancer Free on May 20 and these visits were “preventive maintenance,” not trying to eradicate it. The stays sucked but knowing the cancer was gone made it “less sucky.”

Kelly and I have been Facebook friends for some time (August 27, 2012 – I checked something and saw that date). We were in the same graduating class at Fountain Valley High School. That is where the similarities between us starts and ends. I am on 1 page of the Yearbook (I should have been on a second, but I was sick the day that pic was taken). Kelly was in 8.

When I posted updates about my stays I received a lot of replies. Kelly was one of the many who did. She reached out to me and sent me some messages. She asked for my address and I gave it to her. A few days later a FedEx ground shipment arrived. There was no address but since it was addressed to me, I opened it.  Just like in High School, Kelly left me speechless. Inside was a nice soft, comfy, warm blanket, a gimmick toy-like device that you press and it has all sorts of different sayings of “WTF” as well as a stone that seems very appropriate for the times were are in now that reads, “This Too Shall Pass.” There was also a nice card she sent with a very nice inscription. This is a pic of all I received except for the card. That is too personal to share with anyone and something I will keep to myself.

Sadly, we never actually spoke to each other. We tried but played a great game of “phone tag” in the process. The only “good” thing to come from this is one day I missed her call and she left me a Voicemail message. I saved it and still have it. Every so often I play it and every time I simply shake my head in disbelief that she is no longer here. Thankfully, her voice is. I even have a series of texts between us. I debated showing these texts but decided to do so after editing out her phone number.

Kelly didn’t have to do this. But this is what made Kelly – Kelly. I don’t want to sound too macabre here, but Kelly almost certainly knew unless a miracle came about she was going to die. Yet you could “hear” her smile and cheerful demeanor shining thru in these texts. Chemotherapy is a mixed blessing. It is a deadly toxic drug that can potentially save your life by zapping what it is sent into your body to eradicate. But it also zaps your: Strength, Stamina and Will-to-Live. I went from an active and athletic 190-pounds to a gaunt, skin-and-bones 155-pounds. I needed all of my daily strength to be able to walk the dog to the end of the street (A combined distance of around 0.2 miles). When Chemo failed to get the desired results Kelly went to clinical trials in an attempt to get rid of her breast cancer. When you have what Kelly had you don’t try clinical trials unless it is 4^th-and-25 with 2 minutes left on the clock and “punting” is not an option if you wish to “win the game.” Yet did you detect anything like that in these texts? NOPE!

Kelly possesses an all-around sense of selflessness shown by very few people and almost no one not named Mother Teresa or The Dalai Lama. She spent more time being an Uber/Lyft driver for her son than almost anything else. The thought of “not” doing it never occurred to her. I was trying to find the best/most appropriate way to describe Kelly and was stumped until I recalled the theme song to one of my all-time favorite shows and one of the greatest shows in TV history. Just listen to the words and if this sounds exactly like the Kelly we all knew? This is a rhetorical question since everyone knows it is.

During my six visits to Hoag I would occasionally leave my room to walk around the floor. Almost every time I did I would encounter a fellow patient who was also taking a walk. Every single patient at 8West is not only a cancer patient but also undergoing chemotherapy. Because of this every time we would cross paths there was an unspoken camaraderie between us. We knew why the other one was there and, more importantly, what the other was going through since we were all in the same “boat.” We are/were all part of an exclusive group. One which we never want to have any new members but when we do, we welcome them all with open arms and welcome them into the “family.” I have a large bloodline family. It numbers close to 50. Kelly was not a part of my family. But after my diagnosis on February 22, 2019, Kelly and I were now “family.” I was planning on having a party the weekend of May 16-17 to celebrate being Cancer Free for a year. Obviously, that never came about and we know why. I soooooooooooo wanted for Kelly to be there so we could share a hug and the unspeakable bond only Cancer Survivors can share (As well as the fact we were born 10 days apart). I still plan on having that party. It might not be able to take place until 2023 but it will happen. Kelly won’t physically be there but I know she will be looking down on things making sure all goes right – just like she is now.

Why Me? Nope!

Why Kelly? Why, out of all of the people out there who could have been afflicted with Cancer and had their passing cheered by many, was Kelly the one chosen?

Why?

WHY!

One final note here. Since it was Gregory Trigo who posted the news of Kelly’s passing, I recently reached out to him and asked if he had something he wanted to say about Kelly. As you can imagine it was not easy for him to compose his thoughts on something as painful as this – even one year later. But he did and this is what he sent me, including the pic taken around 2010. I will close this week’s entry with this. Mostly because he is 100% right in all he said:

• Kelly Duncan, one of the most beautiful women (Inside and out) who ever walked the face of this Earth, is gone. It's been 1 year since she departed into heaven and I still can't believe it. I've often asked the question “Why?” Why Kelly? Why someone like her? Someone so wonderful and lovely. Then it comes to me: God needed an angel. A really pretty one. The best thing is...I see so many signs of her being around. One afternoon I was talking to Wendy Potter on the phone about Kelly and all of a sudden a Dunkin Donuts truck pulled up right next to me with the big word DUNKIN visible (I know it is not the same spelling but it is pronounced the same)! Once I was tearing up thinking of her and in the distance, a song by the Beatles came on. Kelly, so many people miss you. So many people will never forget you. I'd mention before we had many plans. One of them was inviting you to one of my parties. I know you were there...in spirit! I know you will always be watching out for your family, friends, and little Duncan! Remembering all the wonderful times we had together fills me with joy! Kelly, I miss you and think of you often. I will indeed see you on the other side!