(Not so) Happy Mother(les)’s Day

 

Today is May 11, 2025. Today is Mother’s Day, a made-up “holiday” created by greeting card, chocolate and flower companies to sell more product than they would normally sell on the day – a day around 3 months after another made up holiday of Valentine’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I am not opposed to a special day for our Mothers. The same goes for Fathers, Veterans, and every other group that has their own special day. But just like Mothers, Father, Veterans and more – we should honor them 365 (or 366) days of the year, not just one.

 

But today is a very bittersweet day for me and my family. That is because at 10:19 pm on Tuesday, March 25, 2025, my mother, Louise Schuman, passed away, leaving behind her husband of 62 years, 3 children, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, a grandson, 2 granddaughters and countless family members and friends. It has been almost 7 weeks since her passing, and not a day goes by that we don’t miss her. We realize how lucky we were to have had her in our lives for the time she was here. There were many times in the past few years where my sister, Kathy, and I would talk and she would say how amazed she was Mom was still here, given all of her issues. She lasted as long as she did because what she lacked in height, she more than made up for in her will and determination to live. I won’t get into too much detail, but she had a lot of GI issues that really should have ended her life far sooner than they did. It was these issues that resulted in her passing.

 

Mom may have only been 5’2” at her tallest (She actually measured 4’11” and 97 pounds when she passed), but she cast a large shadow over all of us, including me, the tallest of the immediate family at 6’1”. One of her favorite shows was “Rocky and Bullwinkle,” a timeless show that still holds up today, decades after it first aired. Their biggest adversaries were Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, who spent every episode trying to find a way to get rid of “moose and squirrel.” Boris and Natasha’s boss was “Mr. Big” - a “fearsome” boss who cast a massive shadow on the wall. In reality, Mr. Big was tiny, only a few inches tall. The only thing “big” about him was his presence when cast upon the wall. Once I saw this, I started calling mom “Mr. Big.” I even got her mother to call her this because mom was tiny but cast a big presence.

One of Mom’s favorite TV shows was “Mary Tyler Moore” Show. It was funny, well-written and very entertaining. It is only fitting Mom loved this show, because the show had one of the most iconic theme songs EVER and one that described Mom as much as it did Mary Tyler Moor:

Mom loved being a mother to 3 kids (Or at least that is what she said - at times we made her question that decision). I am the oldest and this is a picture of me when I was maybe a year, or so. Notice I had curly hair and was cute. Now – 0-for-2.

As much as Mom loved being a Mom, she loved being a Grandma even more. She became one in December 1997, when my sister had a son, Ethan. Mom loved all 3 of her grandkids: Nicole, Ethan, and Emma all the same even though they all had a different relationship with her. Here is Mom holding Ethan when he was a year old.

And to show you how much Ethan changed, here is a pic of him getting his doctorate in Occupational Therapy in June 2024.

As much as Mom loved her family, there were 4 things she may have loved more: Snoopy, Miss Piggy, The Green M&M (with the slutty boots not the shoes she has now) and Cows. Her house is FILLED with these items. She has at least 15 Snoopy items in the house. She has a few Miss Piggy, some of the M&M, too. You cannot walk more than a few steps without walking past a cow item in the house. I wouldn’t even start to guess how many she had. The one thing we made sure to do when she got cremated was include her cow slippers and a Snoopy/Woodstock stuffed animal in with her. I know she was happy to know this. Seeing her before the crematorium with these objects made us feel a tad happier, knowing she would be with some of the most important things to her.

 

When Mom and Dad celebrated their 60^th wedding anniversary in November 2022, they held the celebration at “Musso and Frank” – a dining place in Los Angeles that has been around for over 100 years. They co-celebrated since my Aunt Maxine and Uncle Allen were married a few weeks before Mom and Dad so we had a massive gathering there. Mom loved having everyone there.

Here she is with her kids:

Around 1974-75:

And at the 60^th Anniversary:

Grandkids:

 All of the immediate family:

 

If there was ever any doubt as to how much Mom was loved and appreciated, when I posted a notice of her passing on Facebook, it was flooded with people chiming in with their thoughts and being in disbelief of the news:

Notice of Mom's passing

It was so nice to see people talk about Mom the same way her family knew her. Mom would do ANYTHING for her family. All you had to do was ask, and if there was any way possible she could do it – she did. It was the same with friends. If you needed anything from her, all you had to do was ask, and she would do it. In the Facebook post you saw people just starting out in the industry reaching out to her for help and mentorship. And she provided it, even though she was under no obligation to do so. She did it because helping people was her passion. Making YOU better was something she loved doing. This desire to help had no limits. Some of the many groups Mom supported included: Doctors without Borders, ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and many groups aimed at helping people with reading problems overcome that issue. She was always striving to help people overcome any issues they had in life to then make their life the best it could be.

 

The one thing I was proudest about was: The person our family knew – and the person everyone else knew – WAS THE SAME PERSON! If her (grand)kids needed something, Mom was there. If a friend needed a place to stay for a little while to help get their life back together – the guest room was opened up for them. I had a friend find himself kicked out of his house by his wife, who filed for a divorce no one saw coming. Where did the friend stay for almost 2 weeks – the guest room, where Mom treated him like one of her kids and made sure he was shown the same amount of love the friend’s mother showed him. She didn’t do it because she felt compelled to do it. She did it because that is the kind of person she is. Mom never took herself seriously, too. At my youngest niece’s 10^th birthday party (June 2017), Mom saw a “Poop Emoji” hat. She didn’t hesitate to put it on, as you see here.

We had a “Celebration of Life” on Saturday, April 19. We opened it up to anyone who wanted to attend. I don’t know the exact count, but we easily had 60 people show up. There would have been at least 10 more had it not been the day before Easter and people had previous out-of-town plans. The event cost more than we anticipated. We easily put in over 80 hours planning and organizing the event. IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY AND SECOND SPENT!

 

The one thing Mom really loved was a party! She loved going to one, but she also loved putting one on – especially for the Holidays – Thanksgiving and Christmas (Mom actually LOOOOOOOOVED Halloween because it allowed her to dress up as whatever she felt like dressing up as). At Mom’s parties, there was always enough food to feed twice as many people who showed up. She left no stone unturned. There were always plenty of appetizers to start, entrees and side dishes for the meal and enough desserts to make someone a Type 2 Diabetic. Mom would have been proud of all of the decorations and food we had at her event. In the days after her CoL, I lost track of the number of people who let us know they loved the event and how Mom would have been proud of what we did. That made all of us feel happy, hearing this.

 

The attendees were neighbors, former colleagues, and her “beauty” people. Mom was 86, but Mom was every bit as vain as a Kardashian when it came to her appearance. Once a month, Mom got her eyebrows done (Thanks, Erin), hair colored (Thanks, Linda) and cut (Thanks, Erminio). She usually also got a mani-pedi, too. When Mom passed, I called some of her doctors to let them know of her passing. The comment EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM SAID WAS: I loved her PURPLE HAIR!

 

It wasn’t always purple (even though that was her favorite color) but Linda Stout always had it a bright color over the 30+ years Mom went to her. No matter where we went, numerous strangers would stop and say, “I love your hair” to her. They loved the fact someone of an advanced age had her hair colored to stand out like that. When Mom went to Hoag for the final time, the nurses on both floors she visited commented on her hair. Mom died on the CCU floor. I was there when they wheeled her into that area. The CCU floor is one where patients need the most help, and things are taking more seriously than almost every place but the ER. It didn’t matter. Practically everyone who saw her said the same thing: “I love your hair.” That was Mom. Even in her last days, she cared about her hair. At the grocery store the count was more than a handful every time, almost all of it from women who loved her spunk.

 

I will go one step further. When Mom went to Hoag for the final time, she had the paramedics take her there. She knew this would get her to bypass any wait and get her straight into ER. We had a handful of guys show up to take her away. When I went to see her in her room, she said, “Those guys were hot.” Leave it to Mom to turn something as serious as the paramedics coming over into “Love Connection” or “The Dating Game.” But that was Mom.

 

I have so many fond memories of Mom, all of them bring a smile and laugh to my face thinking back to them, with one exception. That is what helps me get through these times. While all of us commiserate her passing, we have decades of cherished memories with her to fall back on. I have a few friends who lost their mother before they were 5 years old. So, while I am crushed, she is gone, having 6 decades of memories makes me realize how fortunate I was to have her for as long as I/we did.

 

When we lived in Palos Verdes in the early 70s, Mom belonged toa group called, “Westside Mothers of Twins” because her youngest kids are twins. One day around September 1971, the producers of the TV show “Truth or Consequences” contacted this group. They needed a pair of boys and girls to come on the show and play “house” – a husband and wife. I was 7 – the perfect age they wanted. Mom told me and I IMMEDIATELY said I was going to get on the show. Mom tried to downplay things, saying there were a lot of kids who were going to be there, and it was no sure thing I would get on.

 

On the day of the show, we get seated in the audience. Bob Barker hosted the show. Bob came into the audience to find the 2 boys and girls needed. The first boy he spoke to failed the audition. I sat on the aisle and Bob was at my side. I was not going to let him get away. I got his attention. He asked me a few questions, and I passed them with flying colors. He told me to walk down to the stage. I WAS GONNA BE ON TV! I will NEVER forget looking up at Mom and seeing the look on her face. She had an ear-to-ear smile and was so proud of me and me actually getting on. They took us backstage, and the other couple went first. Then we went. I am not going to brag, but I KILLED IT! I was easily the funniest of the 4. Watching it later, I had the entire audience roaring with laughter, including Bob Barker. When we were done, they brought the 4 of us back to our parents. I had many audience members compliment me. It made me feel great seeing Mom so happy I accomplished what I said I would and made people laugh. Sadly, no copy of the show exists. If it did Mom said she would easily pay $10,000 for a copy of it.

 

The one memory that had the biggest impact on my life took place on December 31, 1972, we lived in Illinois. Mom and Dad were invited to a New Year’s Eve party at a neighbor’s house a few doors down from ours. Back then, parents would leave their kids alone and come back and check up on them every so often to make sure they were OK. Seriously. NOW – that is incomprehensible but back then it was standard practice. Mom made fondue for the party. She and dad walked to the party. On the way Mom stepped on “black ice” without realizing it. She slipped and the fondue pot flew out of her hands. She tried to “rescue” it and in doing so broke her arm (The fondue pot landed in the snow – untarnished). The next morning when my brother, sister and I woke up, we went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom and found out the news. Mom had a massive cast on her arm.

 

My parents told me Mom would be unable to do household chores for some time and since I was the older child (My siblings are twins – slightly more than 3 years younger than me) it was up to me to help with the laundry and cooking. I was OK with the former. I had NO CLUE how to cook. That didn’t matter. I got shoved in the kitchen and learned how to cook. It took some time but eventually “the light bulb” went off and I developed into a solid cook. All these years later I take pride in my cooking skills and know it is because of Mom breaking her arm 50+ years ago (Same goes for my siblings – they are also very good cooks although my brother is now a Vegetarian/Vegan and eats “rabbit food” instead of “real food” like my sister and I. When we moved to California, there would be times when Mom would leave, and we would have to make our own dinner. Mom would tell Dad to make sure we were fed. Mom left and while we could still hear the echo of the door closing, Dad always turned to his 3 kids and ask, “What are you making for dinner?” knowing it was up to the 3 of us to get us fed – something I am sure Mom knew, too).

 

To show you how much times have changed, when living in Illinois my brother got Chicken Pox from school. Eventually my sister and I got it – the same week. I was 8 and she was 5. There were a few times Mom had to go somewhere so she left us home alone, with me in charge. Once again, I know NOW – this would NEVER happen. But back then...

 

We moved to California in August 1973. When we got a little older, Mom took a job outside of the house. A handful of years later, one day my sister did something to piss off Mom. Sis (Kathy) was outside in the front yard. Mom got upset and had enough, so she went up to the window, dropped her pants and MOONED MY Kathy! Seriously! How many women Mom’s age (Early 40s) do you know who would have done that? Mom did!

 

Mom had a brother, Mike. He had 3 kids. They lived in Illinois. When each son turned 13, they came out to California for the Summer. In 1976, it was my cousin Ted (Burton – at the time) time to come out here. That Summer we went up to Vancouver, then back down to Lake Oswego, where Dad’s youngest brother, Earl, lived. On the flight home we flew either “Air Cal” or “PSA” – airlines that focused on West Coast travel. My brother, father and I sat in one row and my sister, mother and cousin sat in the other. On the flight home the flight attendants announced they were having a contest. They wanted to see who had the biggest holes in their socks/stockings. The winner received a bottle of champagne. There were women ripping holes in their stockings for a cheap bottle of “Andre” champagne. All my brother, father and I did was remove our shoes to show we had holes big enough to fit an 18-wheel truck through them. My brother won, with dad and I finishing second and third. Dad was so proud of Peter (brother) and his accomplishment. Mom watched on in pure horror. The next day she bought us all brand-new pairs of socks. My cousin was livid because his mother bought him new socks for his trip, or else he would have competed with us for the top spot.

 

When I started college at Cal State Fullerton, I very quickly found out “It’s never what – but who it is you know.” Mom started a career as a Tumor Registrar. She got hired at Hoag Hospital. To the shock of no one, Mom quickly made friends with everyone there. Thay included a woman named Lori Marderossian. Lori was the head of the mailroom. She and Mom talked, and Mom found out Lori had an opening for a weekend person in the mailroom. Mom asked me if I was interested, and I was. It was the perfect job for me. It was weekends, so it did not conflict with school on weekdays. Lori told Mom to have me apply, and when I did, she wanted to speak to me. The woman in HR said they would look over all applications and get back to me if they felt I was a “good fit.” I knew what this meant – I had a 0% chance of getting the job. I stopped her and said, “Lori said she wanted to talk to me.” The woman was not very happy. She told me to sit on a chair in the room, and she would call Lori. She called Lori and sure enough Lori said she wanted to speak. Only one slight problem...sitting on the chair I fell asleep. I was OUT COLD! The woman had to wake me up. I could hear her displeasure at all I did, but he sent me to speak to Lori. I was offered a job on the spot. I accepted and spent almost 5 years there. I even worked weekdays during semester breaks. I left Hoag almost 40 years ago, but I still communicate with Lori and exchange Holiday cards. To this day, she is still the very best boss I have ever had.

 

Mom loved to travel. Among the places she visited were China, Australia/New Zealand and Europe including Spain, Switzerland, and England. She loved visiting new places and checking out both the culture and dining options there.

 

For those who have ever been diagnosed with Cancer, you know it is impossible to beat on your own. I found this out the hard way. On Halloween Day, 2018, I woke up like I did every other day of my life. I sat up in bed, put both feet on the floor and went to stand up – like I had every other day of my life. When I stood up, I immediately collapsed in pain. It felt like someone was hammering nails into the right side of my body, from my waist to the sole of my foot. I got it diagnosed, rather misdiagnosed at Urgent Care. I got another misdiagnosis from an Orthopedic Special (Dr. Bobby Charlu of Newport Orthopedics located at 22 Newport Center Drive in Newport Beach – AVOID THESE CHARLATNS AT ALL COST!). The pain kept getting worse and worse until my family kidnapped me on Saturday, February 16, 2019. An MRI revealed I had “Stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, something I still cannot believe happened.

 

I was told I could beat it, but it required SIX visits to Hoag, with each visit lasting 5 days, where I would get blasted with almost 100 hours of Chemo PER VISIT! For those who have gone through Chemo, you know how much it sucks. It saved my life, but the side effects are BRUTAL: Headaches, Nausea and a loss of strength and stamina. I went from an athletic 195 pounds to a gaunt 155.

 

During all 6 of my stays, Mom and Dad came to visit every day, except the last one (by my request). Mom was still working at the time but took time off work to visit her oldest son. The visits meant everything to me because when you have Cancer, you have a million thoughts go through your head, of which at least 999,999 are bad. When I came home, it took about 3-4 days for all of the Chemo to filter out of my body and to be “normal” until my next visit. During my 3-week break between visits, Mom was my: Maid, Cook, Chauffer, Psychologist, and anything else I needed. And I needed a lot. I doubt I am here without all she (and Dad) did during my “Nightmare Journey From Hell.”

 

When I came home, you could smell me, before you saw me. The reason was it was tough cleaning up because I had a ton of IV lines in my arms the entire time I was there. The one thing I remember most about coming home from each visit was opening the front door. We had to do that very slowly because waiting for us on the other side of the door was: Velvet.

 

For quite some time, Mom talked about getting a dog. She talked about it for so long, no one really believed she would get one. But on Saturday, December 3, 2016, Mom went to a park in Irvine, where a lot of shelters brought dogs in hopes of finding them “forever homes.” Mom went with my brother and his family. Dad and I were floored when Mom walked in...WITH A DOG! Holy...Cow – MOM GOT A DOG!

 

She brought home a 16-pound Doxie/Beagle who was named “Cutie.” One look at this dog and you wondered how the dog got that name, because she was anything but a “Cutie.” The dog had a lot of brown fur. She had a scowl on her face. I vividly recall thinking: “Really? Seriously? Out of ALL of the dogs there – THIS is what you brought home?”

 

This is what she looked like that first day, seen here with Emma and a friend. How could anyone fall in love with this dog!?

Yet, Mom did, kind of. This is Velvet on Mom, the second day in the house.

The dog wanted no part of being in the house. And honestly – the feeling was mutual. Mom changed her name to “Velvet” because her ears feel like Velvet. Mom even mentioned taking it back. If there is one thing Mom loved doing, it was returning things. It was a very sore subject between us. She loved buying stuff online and then returning it. With this dog, we let her know that under no circumstances were we going to let her “return” the dog to its shelter. For the first month we had her, the only time we got to touch her was when my nephew, Ethan, handed her to us. Ethan stayed with Mom and Dad while he received a sub-standard “education” at Long Beach State, unlike the quality one he would have received at Cal State Fullerton (In my unbiased opinion).

 

Velvet “smelled” the dog in Ethan (He had one back in his Las Vegas home) and would go into his room for “protection.” Ethan handed her to us so we could hold her. She spent the first month sleeping in a crate until one day she realized the door was not locked and she could walk out. She did and she has never been in a crate since. Velvet also peed and pooped on the carpet at least 20 times that first month. Eventually, Velvet realized we were good people and opened up to us. The girl who could not live with us, now could not live without us. She followed Mom EVERYWHRE! If we wanted to know where Mom was, we just looked for Velvet and Mom would be right there with her. Velvet is an incredibly smart dog, the fact I walk her by the local library several times a week had to help, right? Velvet is so smart, she stayed outside when Mom went to the bathroom – and because of her condition – she did that A LOT! When Mom left the bathroom it almost always smelled as if someone died. Even with the fan on or an open window, the smell made it tough to breathe. Velvet knew this and stayed outside. Velvet has very strong hind legs because she would ALWAYS put her front paws on Mom’s chair when Mom was eating, hoping Mom would give her more food. Mom had to sleep on a recliner for the last few months. She could not lift Velvet up to the chair but every so often I would put Velvet on the chair and this is what always happened,

The sad part about Mom being gone is that Velvet spends all day moping, just waiting for Mommy to come home so she can spend time with her. It breaks our heart because we know Mommy is never coming home again. We make sure to show her extra love and now she sleeps in bed with either Me or Kathy (When she is in town). Mom volunteered at the local library every Wednesday from 1-4P. It was as if Velvet knew Mommy was there because she always wanted to go for a walk when I came back from dropping them off and without me guiding her, she walked directly to the library and where Mommy was.

Dad and I would love to take Velvet with us when we go someplace, but we can’t. It was Christmas Day, 2016. We had Velvet for 3 weeks. We put her in the car for the first time since Mom brought her home. Mom drove, while Dad sat in the front seat with her. Ethan and I sat in the back, with Velvet. We are barely on the freeway for the 20-ish mile drive to my bro’s house when suddenly Velvet THROWS UP on the seat. To say Ethan and I did not expect this was an understatement. Dogs love the car, so how could this happen? We found something to clean it up. We got done cleaning it when Velvet THREW UP AGAIN! She may be a tiny dog, but she puked with the best of them. When we got to my brother’s house, we immediately put her outside – where she THREW UP AGAIN! From that point on, whenever we took her somewhere, someone had to sit in the back with her for WHEN she puked. When we went to see my aunt and uncle about 60 miles away, we had to medicate her to keep her from puking. This is a picture from that day. Sadly, this is the very last picture I took with my mother (You will notice Velvet in my arms - because we gave her motion sickness pills before we made the 60-ish mile drive:.

This is actually the very last picture anyone took of Mom. It was on Friday, March 21 when my cousin Sam came out from Virginia to spend 10 days in SoCal, along with his wife, Kelly and kids Beth and Allen. We took this just before they left that night. We actually saw them again on Sunday, but no pictures were taken.

My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago. His long-term memory is good. He has no short-term memory. Everyone knows this and acts accordingly when with him. Mom did not generate as much notice as Dad, but her memory was pretty lousy, too. Being their caregiver, it was mostly my responsibility to get her to doctor’s visits – and were there ever a lot of those! Near the end, this was not a fun thing to do. We would show up at an appointment, only to be told the appointment was not that day, but another one down the line. After it happened 3 times in a month, I changed things, so I was the one who received notifications of her appointments, not her, because she NEVER checked her texts.

 

My youngest niece, Emma, graduates from High School on May 22 and then turns 18 on June 2 (We are struggling to comprehend that fact, too). Growing up, she called my parents: Papa and Mapa. That made some sense with “Mapa” being a female “papa” – right? Emma then started calling Mom (her grandmother) “Baya.” We had no clue why she did that, or how it came about. Mom loved it because it was unique. Emma called her “Baya” so we did, too. When Mom called me, my phone said “Baya.” We looked forward to Emma getting older so we could ask her why she called her grandmother that name. Only one slight problem: When Emma got older, she asked us why she called her grandmother “Baya.” That was not what we wanted to hear.

 

You can see the 2 of them from this picture in 2011 when Emma was 4 and needed a “breathing treatment” before going to bed:

Just like we have every day since March 25, we will get through the days ahead. But, just like every day since March 25 – it will not be easy. I know people are born to eventually die. I know in some cases a person’s passing, while not a good thing, is not a bad thing, either. I think back to my maternal grandmother and when she passed, we were more relieved than sad – even though we were definitely sad. Grandma had no hearing, was losing her eyesight and at 3 her body was giving out. When she died it was a relief.

 

I know that as much pain and suffering as Mom was in, her passing is not all bad, because now she is at peace. But today coming about so soon after her passing hurts, just like my birthday coming less than a month after her passing was not much fun.

 

Mom: On behalf of every single person who crossed paths with you: THANK YOU. Thank you for making our lives infinite times better than it would have been without you. Enjoy finally being able to eat all of the foods you were not allowed to consume, like: Wine, fresh fruits, beer, ice cream, spicy foods and more. Enjoy doing all you could not do.

 

You earned it.

 

Love......Your entire family!