IF

IF you like it……by erik schuman

IF you don’t………by someone else

the word IF is in a multi-way tie for the third shortest word in the english language. i’d love to give an exact count of how many other two-letter words there are but in trying to determine it i ran across some sites that said there are 600+ two-letter words (most scrabble related) and some that said 100+ (non-scrabble related). since the focus of this is not that but about the word IF i will just say it is tied with many other words.

while the word IF might be one of the shortest words it is among the most impactful. we all know words like: cancer, love, hitler, assault, fun – as well as many more elicit strong thoughts and emotions just hearing them said. but the word IF might be the most impactful word in the english language or any other language. that is because the word IF is almost always used to express regret and rarely for something good. who can forget these 3 wishes from those dorothy met in the movie “the wizard of oz.”

scarecrow:

tinman:

(cowardly) lion:

  

yes, IF can be used for good things such as, “IF you were here i’d hug (kiss, or some other emotion or action) you like there was no tomorrow.”

but for the most part the word IF is used in place of “i wish I had…………..” when in reality we did not.

•     IF i had turned right instead of left (or vice versa).
•   IF i went to a different university (than the one i did) and majored in something else (since most of us get a degree and then rarely work in that field, eventually working in a completely different one).
•    IF i met him/her “x” months earlier/later i probably would have married him/her (although for a large number of people this would have been followed up down-the-line with: “how could i have been so stupid to think he/she was the right one for me?”
•  (this one definitely applies now) IF i had been smart enough to pull all of my money out of the stock market when this coronavirus pandemic first hit my 401k would still be a 401k instead of what it is now – more like a 301k or even 201k...or...IF i had invested in: amazon, google, apple, etc...when it was a fraction of what it is now...

i’m sure i could go on and on and i know so could everyone else. but i can’t. you close the barn door before the horse leaves – not after. for me there are 2 IF that i have spent the most time dwelling on. the first one i am ok with – the second one still gnaws on me today almost 30 years later:

·         IF we had stayed in illinois one more year? my parents really stressed education and because of that their 3 kids (me, bro and sis) are very smart. when i was in 3^rd grade i was pulled from class for math and science the latter half of the school year and would go to 4^th grade math and science. the 4^th graders hated me because who was this snot-nosed kid who is a grade below us but coming here thinking he is as good as us. that is until the time we took our first test. when the teacher handed back the tests she saw the students were still razzing me so when she handed me back my test she told the class, “by the way, he got the top score in the class.” From that day, on, not only was i never picked on but the other students came to me for help. we moved after the 3^rd grade back to california. i was ecstatic because most of my time in illinois i was mercilessly picked on and rare was the night when i did not cry myself to sleep. IF we stayed in illinois one more year i almost certainly skip the 4^th grade (something i did not do in ca) and go directly to 5^th. IF that happened very few people reading this would have since very few would have been friends with me. i would have been a year ahead of them. i wouldn’t trade my friends from hs and fullerton for anything (except maybe the lone winning ticket in a $100m lottery) especially after all of the desperately needed support they provided last year during my “nightmare journey from hell!” but even some “few” years later I still wonder…….IF!?

·     IF i knew “how the game was played” back then – like i know now. in february 1991 I received the call i had waited on for some time. it was all jaffe from espn! after months of hounding him, sending him tapes of my work and even flying out to bristol in october, 1990 – at my own expense with no guarantee or anything – he called one monday morning, offering me the opportunity to be a production assistant. it was for 6-months. at the end of the 6 months they would either keep me and make me full-time or let me go. i immediately accepted it knowing how difficult to get this chance and also knowing i would beat the odds and be kept. since i knew no one out there and my family lives almost 3,000 miles away saying “yes” to every opportunity to work any shift as easy to do. i knew this would also help my chance of staying. IF i knew now what i did not know then i might have stayed after my time instead of not having it happen. i as under the misconception that working hard, being liked by all of the producers would be enough to make them keep me. what i did not realize was that a female by the name of cj silas killed my chances of staying. her six-month stay started a week after mine. to say she was incompetent would be an insult to incompetent people. she wasn’t even that good. no producer wanted her to have anything to do with their show because she was inept. but because she was so inept she was assigned to work the pa desk where she could hob-nob with all of the decision-makers. she got to know them on a first name basis and was very good friends with them. so when it came time to decide our fates they kept her because she was friends with them and let me go despite the fact every single producer there knew she wasn’t 1% as good as i was. i stuck until christmas then came back to socal. IF i had known then what i know now – it’s never what but who it is you “blow” and that hard work means nothing compared to sucking up to bigwigs i would have done things far different and almost certainly stayed. it also didn’t help that my immediate boss was a short, balding, ugly guy who reeked of awful cologne and who thought he was god’s gift to women and sexually harassed all of the younger ones there – despite the fact his wife worked less than a 15-second walk away from his desk. now i know how to “play the game” but back then i did not. never mind the fact that before i left i had a meeting with then espn president steve anderson. i came with a list of ideas for espn. he never looked at any of them. one item on the list was involved having people send in tapes to look at with the best ones being offered a position at espn. years later espn had a show called “dream job” which was the exact idea Anderson threw in the trash after our meeting.

the word IF shows that “less is more” – something my barely 5-foot tall mother says to my 6’1” body all of the time. the fact she is right proves it.